Friday, July 17, 2009

Awesomely Bad Idea

So as I waited for my opponent to come online for Blood Bowl last night I had an epicly bad idea that sounded great.

A Blood Bowl movie.

I know, it isn't like it has huge following like the Potter books, LOTR, or even a video game so it will probably never be a smash hit on name alone. But what if we filled it with movie stars and crazy special effects? That always puts people in the seats. Then we can just lay down an awesomely bad movie script full of recycled plot hooks like every other bad summer movie.

Of course I couldn't just leave it at that. I probably laid in bed later for an hour before dozing off thinking of what such a script would look like... and here is a small taste of what I'm thinking.

The movie opens to the cheering fans of a big blood bowl game. This is the first chance to see the world of blood bowl and the stadium environment. A human team is playing a liazard team at some aztec themed stadium and the announcers are calling the game in between credits. As it gets to the end of the credits the star human catcher is making a dash for the endzone when he is tragically killed. The fans go crazy, the announcers are wild saying how the apothecary is still tied up working on another player in the locker room, and the scene goes to black.

Next scene finds our hero (who for some reason I can't shake Freddie Prince Jr out of my head) lurking the streets of an old world city. He's basically ah unemployed, alone, homeless peasant thief, and he swipes some food and takes off down the narrow street. Begin chase scene. He deftly avoids guards, peasants, merchant carts as he dodges down the narrow street. A man (has to be Bruce Campbell) see this and takes great interest, and when the young man is finally cornered by the merchants men the man pays him off and smooths it over. It turns out the man is an agent/scout/assistant coach for Blood Bowl players and thinks our hero would make a great catcher for our human team from earlier. It's midseason and the team is doing good, the pay is near unbelievable, and after some concerned protests for his life (and counter protests from the man about turning him over to the gaurds) our hero signs up.

The next scene is the practice field where our hero (we'll call Fred) is introduced to the rest of the team. Here's a great chance to pack in some rugged stars. Maybe Mickey Rourke, Ron Peralman, Vin Diesel; pack in those hunky guys to fill out the team. The important part is we need a semi comedic sidekick for another rooky on the team who is replacing a now 'retired' player to be our heroes friend. Hell, maybe a Dane Cook or Ryan Rennolds type guy would do. We also need a retired player turned hard drinking head coach, lot of actors will do here but hell lets just say Tommy Lee Jones.

The other important part is with the loss of their star player the team has the revenue to recruit in star Griff Oberwald (definitely Daniel Craig), who is so bad ass but totally emotionally detached from the people around him. Our hero tries to impress him, but Griff certainly doesn't have the time to deal with the rookie.

We can also introduce our love angle here, let's just toss in sexy Megan Fox as our cheerleader who takes some interest in Fred.

The first home game of the rookie comes up and its against skaven (more CG funness). Jokes are made that our hero can maybe take down a gutter runner which is about as weak as it gets, but he'll be hard pressed to keep up with them. The game goes on and the rookie is mostly dazzled pushed around and confused, unable to slow down opponents or get downfield and be useful. His 'friend' has a nice moment, and Griff pretty much carries the game for the win.

After the game our hero is down despite the win and one of our other action-god-team-mates consoles him. He tells him to come to the pitch the next day and he'll show the rookie a few tips.

The next day, after a bit of drinking with his buddy and advancing the flirtatious love story with sexy Megan, Fred is at the pitch with a few of the teams key players on a non practice day. They explain that great human catchers need to do more than dodge and catch passes. They say the first trick is to learn how to block really well. They start showing him some of the ropes and our hero starts picking it up after a small montage, and they briefly show him a few other moves. The scene pulls back and you see Griff watching from a distance emotionless, but watching none the less.

The next home game is against orks (for CG goodness) and we see our hero feeling a little more confident and scores a TD catch dodging nimbly down the field. The orks make a brutal drive down the field and end up killing off our comedic friend on the drive to the endzone. Our hero is pissed because the coach didn't call out the apothecary as his friend is dragged off the pitch unceremoniously. But he barely has time to deal with it as the other players tell him to focus on the game as they line up to receive the next kick off. The match culminates as Griff gets the ball and heads on down the field only to find he is getting closed in on by two huge Black orks and a menacing ork blitzer. At the last second our hero Fred blitzes the ork bltizer down and Griff skirts away from disaster to score the winning touchdown.

Again after the game while most of the team celebrates our hero is off emotionally brooding about the loss of his friend. Griff approaches him and tells him he played a great game, and that people will know his name now and he's on his way to being a great star. Fred doesn't care, he's wounded by the loss of his friend and is wondering when his number will come up. Why didn't the coach call in the apothecary /whine /cry. Griff goes into rant about the game, how you don't tie up the apothecary for rookies, how its life or death no matter what you do in this world, friends are liabilities blah blah blah. Add in retarded movie stuff here. "Players come and go, but Blood Bowl legends live forever." Fred doesn't feel much better, and after Griff's rant goes and stupidly says something mean to sexy Megan to make her mad, and heads off to the bar.

The next day the coach tells the team that they are entering into the final push for the playoffs and that when they notice Griff isn't there the coach says that Griff has moved on to another team as freebooters do. The team is a little down and a new wide eyed rookie is on the team to replace our dead guy. After the speech the coach has a heart to heart with the player and he feels a little more understanding about the coaches tough job and he feels better. As he's leaving the locker room for the practice pitch Fred decides to ignore Griff's advice and starts chatting with the rookie and suggests they get a little extra practice so Fred can show him a few tricks.

From here we've probably eaten way to much time of the movie so you probably need to pack in a classic movie montage. Show several flashes of the human team taking hits but winning against some great CG opportunities, Dwarves, Wood elves, chaos. And they're now in the Chaos Cup! Against whooooo you ask? How about another distant human team like Norse.

The night before the game Megan and Fred make up and let's get some gratuitous sex in there. The next day the game breaks and the huge stadium is packed. Fred is shocked to learn that Griff is playing for the Norse now and has single handedly carried them the last few games into the Cup.

It doesn't really matter what you do with the movie at this point. People have paid and either decided they like it or left. But you have a few options.

1. Happy Hollywood ending- To leave the most amount of cheese in here have the hard fought game ends when Griff pulls a half hearted blitz on our hero moving down to score the winning touch down. Game ends in celebrations, sexy Megan gives some passionate making out with the hero, and the camera pulls back to fireworks.

2. The hey that's life ending- The game goes back and forth, our hero does well but Griff is on fire. In the end Griff narrowly escapes from our hero and others to score the winning touchdown. Griff pulls our hero up out of the mud and says 'nice try, but that's life, see you next season' and the movie winds down with the whole team, coahes and sexy megan w/ cheerleaders in a bar lamenting but celebrating a great blood bowl season in the books, toasting their fallen comrades. As credits roll show single frames of future games and our star player doing great things, ending with a pic of him smiling holding the Chaos cup in one hand, sexy Megan in the other, and Griff holding the other end of the cup up high smiling.

3. Oh no! Oh wait!- like above but on the last drive Griff puts Fred down hard on the blitz for the endzone and scores the winning TD. As the cheering fans go crazy for the Norse Victory the apothecary is called out and the Fred fades out in first person view, with the coach frantically yelling at the apothecary to do something, and sexy Megan's crying voice telling him not to leave her. Black.

Griff's voiceover the black: "Players come and go, but Blood Bowl legends live forever."

Cut to locker room and it is clearly the next season and our human team is getting pep talk from the coach before the first game. Pan around to the players in the room and there is no Fred, as the coach mentions how last season they had some painful deaths on the team and of course the loss of the chaos cup. Right when you think they're about to go out Fred shows up looking every bit the grizzled Blood bowl veteran and the players are all happy to see him and the coach is yelling at him for being late. Fred makes some snappy comment about tapping that sexy Megan ass and the team is in laughter as the coach says ah whatev let's give him hell and the team charges out of the locker room and into the blinding light of the stadium.

Well I'd pay money to see it and I know it would be cheesy sports fantasy bad. Now to shop it around to the studios, hehe.

1 comment:

  1. Haha! Love the script idea. But unfortunately hollywood would probably have Uwe Boll direct it and he'd find a way to get a unicorn and a butter churn into the movie to put his artistic touch on it and get it rated NC-17. (Which might actually be a GOOD thing...)

    Of course you do realize that you could have painted 3.6 miniatures with the time it took you to make this post right?